You’ve waited long enough, it’s time for…

the Third Annual Things You Only Hear At Starwood!

This fire is hot. Did it singe my hat?

If you move my car, I’ll initiate you.

The Chinese sex cards are in the bodice drawer.

Can I borrow the dildo and go over to the Hurt Yurt?

Oh! I forgot my gods.

I’ve already sunscreened my ass off.

You never want to snip your nipple in the cupholder.

We have all these pie crusts and I don’t know why.

She had a couple more vaginas but they all went.

I once sunburned a moon into my forehead.

The dome has once again become infested by bondage fairies.

What I don’t need is peanut butter and jelly all over my flashlight.

The fetish fairies are here in full force.

Oh! There’s glitter in my pubic hair! I don’t know how it got there.

I’m so tired of waking up next to a big penis every morning.

If you don’t take out your trash, bears will come and eat you.

Condom ninjas attacked the bar last night.

10 comments

  1. Cyndi says:

    So sorry I missed it!!

  2. Evn says:

    Starwood has bondage faires and fetish fairies? Wow, that’s way better than the fairies I normally hang out with…

    What’s a condom ninja?

  3. Roberta says:

    I can’t believe I wasn’t there…

  4. deblipp says:

    Evn, it was the weirdest thing. I’m sitting in the food court, and all of a sudden a parade of ninjas runs through. The lead ninja is all in silver, the rest are in black and appear to be chasing the silver one (who may have been a giant condom). They run through the bar and the Blue Lady Cafe, flinging condoms as if they were throwing stars. (The condoms were “Ninja Condoms.”)

  5. Evn says:

    Wow. I’ve been in bars where condoms were handed out, but the people doing it were all dressed in J. Crew and looked kinda bored.

    I do have to say, though, that No.s 4 and 10 sound a lot like things you only hear at Radical Faerie gatherings. (i.e. “I stored the extra lanterns in the Sacred Sex Temple,” and “Ohmigod! You two have identical penises!”)

  6. deblipp says:

    So it’s the Things You Hear Only, or Practically Only, at Starwood. 😉

  7. Ken says:

    Most of them I can understand….. but I must admit to being fascinated by “You never want to snip your nipple in the cupholder.”

  8. deblipp says:

    Visualize sitting in a camp chair, the kind that fold up and have cupholders in the arm rests.

    Then visualize sitting in it topless.

    Then visualize leaning over.

  9. Evn says:

    I used to complain that I wasn’t any good at visualization, but then ow.