Angel: Well, he said I had to take the plunge.
Darla: Into an empty pool?
Angel: Sure. ‘Cause if you had water, you’d get all wet and miss out on all that skull-crushing.
Darla: Maybe he meant another pool.
Angel: Something in a koi pond. They’re very Zen.
…
Angel (ready to leap into the empty pool): I’m either coming back with a cure, or you’re gonna see something kinda funny.
Getting Arthur into college has been a huge leap of faith. A plunge into an empty pool. The Fool walking off a cliff. Kinda Zen. Kinda terrifying.
I couldn’t do it for myself, when I was eighteen. There was no leap of faith because I knew, I knew, that there was nothing down there but skull-crushing. The school I really wanted was in El Paso, but I couldn’t figure out how I could show up in Texas and live there, having never been anywhere. I couldn’t imagine it. I couldn’t…I really didn’t even know that what I was supposed to do was investigate how to make it happen. I didn’t know I was supposed to ask. (And this was pre-Internet, it was a little harder…a lot harder, to do research.) When I narrowed my search to local schools, the “good” one cost twice as much as the other four I looked at. The recruiter there really wanted me. I said it was too much money, and she said Don’t worry, we’ll get the money. But I didn’t see the money. She didn’t say how. The only way to get the money was to enroll; the money was available to students, not applicants. And that was terrifying. I couldn’t do it.
Not for me, no. But for my son. I can do it for him.
It’s easier. I’m older, I’ve done many scary things. I’m more motivated. I have a little bit of money and a job. And there have been times, in choosing to leap, that I’ve been rank terrified; foul-smelling, gut-clenching, ohmygodswhathaveidone scared. It’s SO. MUCH. MONEY. It’s on-the-face-of-it crazy.
I kept looking around. The people I knew who were putting their kids through school didn’t make more (or much more) than me. Some of them had two or three kids in private colleges. If they were doing it, it must be possible for me to do it. I talked to people. I learned. I learned about grants and scholarships and loans and then, y’know, it would get scary again, and then it would be about the leap. About the cliff. And ultimately, I had to say to myself, Do I walk off a cliff for him?
And I do. I’ve spent almost thirty years jealous of the people who went to college while I lived in partnership with my fear. I won’t do it again. I won’t do it to Arthur.
This will either get him an education or you’re gonna see something kinda funny.
It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one terrified by the prospect of financing a college education. With two kids the same age and the issue of college coming up in the next 7 years, I can’t imagine that the costs are going to get any lower.
I didn’t have the opportunity to go to college either and while I feel I’ve done well in spite of it, I can’t fathom not being able to offer the opportunity to my kids. How? Who knows. But, I will….
Tis’ one of the things that keep me awake at night.
Not to add to your fears, but we just got a letter from the Massachusetts Education Financing Authority, from whom we borrowed money for our daughter’s college education. They’ve suspended all education financing, due to the capital crisis which has spun off from the foreclosure/bad lending practices crisis.
I went to college for a year, and I take classes at the local community college. I do okay for someone with no degree, but I am in a workforce where almost everyone has a degree, which makes it hard for me to do as well as I could, given the chance. It’s hard to get your foot in the door if they will only open the door to those with degrees.
boy do I hear you.
We just sold our house.
to help pay tuition.
we now rent.
after 18 years of home ownership.
and our daughter has decided to now take a year off. . . . (she just finished Freshman year. . . .)
so you just never know what the Goddess will bring.
best of luck.
Boy, this is NOT helping. I thought I was scared BEFORE!
I finished my own BS/Bus in Marketing last year at University of Pheonix–I took out loans to supliment the tuition reimbursement from work (never enough). I have just started repaying the loans (they hit 6-months after graduation).
My younger son has money to use set aside by his (thank the Goddess) foresighted grandparents when he was born–but it will only cover the two years more he needs to graduate. He has gone to Community College first–a great alternative I’ve used as well, to get the “basics” out of the way.
I think this is the only option most folks have today, as 4-year schools all cost so much.
My fear is not that my daughter won’t get into the college of her choice (financial issues notwithstanding), but that she’s not motivated to get into any college. She’s smart enough, by far, but has low self-esteem and would rather hang out with her friends than study. Frustrating! I guess she may be like me, a late bloomer, and I only hope she does find her will to go to college at some point.
How old is she, Katrina?
[…] what people say to me when I tell them my son is going into college. I mean, I posted here about my leap of faith, and the comments were fucking scary. No one said, “yay for faith” or […]