The Perils of Heterosexuality

Over at I Blame the Patriarchy, Twisty is twisting over The Pill. In part, she says

It is the duty of the patriarchy-blamer–particularly one who supports zero-population growth– to cast a jaundiced eye on any research that impugns contraception, but you know what? Fuck the Pill. As liberating as it has been for straight women, it is not without its vile misogynist elements. While it leaves men footloose and fancy-free to roam the earth pronging at will, it consigns women to shoulder the entire burden of contraception, and it does this while making us fat and giving us heart attacks, strokes, and, depending on who you talk to, breast cancer.

That’s a strong statement. Yeah, I get that the Pill is a product of the patriarchy. What isn’t? It’s like saying cars are products of the automobile industry (which, y’know, sucks). That doesn’t mean that the choice between a Hummer and a Prius is meaningless.

Thing is, men have always, and will always, be footloose and fancy free while women shoulder the burden of pregnancy. Go know, as my mom says. I get that women who sleep with men need to be more firm in their boundaries, more clear that their rules must be honored, that unwrapped=unfucked, and all that Feminism 101 stuff. It’s totally important to draw a line in the sand and respect yourself enough to stick to your side of it.

I also get that, in the end, only women are irrevocably stuck with the consequences of unplanned pregnancy. Whether a woman chooses abortion, adoption, or full-on motherhood, she cannot choose to bag this racket and move on. She cannot blow it off and decide not to deal, and find someone to be with who doesn’t have this problem. Can. Not. Do. It. And as long as the footloose option is available in pushy-come-to-shovey land for one partner only, foottight and responsible will be the burden on the other partner. Not because it’s right or fair or feminist. Because she’s covering her ass.

Before the Pill, women were, by-and-large, stuck with the patriarchal good girl/slut dichotomy, because holding the bag meant holding the baby. The beginning of choice is, well, choice. First came the Pill, soon after came Roe v. Wade, and all of a sudden, choice was a real and viable option. 35ish years later, we’re still fighting to have joyful sexual activity be an okay option for a female human, but at least now it’s a fight.

I am not arguing with Twisty’s objections to the Pill. The health risks are real. In fact, I’ve had health problems with almost every available birth control out there, including Pill, diaphragm, IUD, and foam. Finally I went to the vet and got spayed, and that works for me. And it’s no doubt true that in a non-patriarchal world with non-patriarchal health researchers, women would have better options. But “fuck the Pill,” or fuck any of the options available to us, is not the answer.

9 comments

  1. Interesting discussion. I wonder if, there is any good reason to “fuck the pill,” it may be that its existence (and popularity) precludes the development of better options. How long have we been hearing that a male pill is coming…?

    Personally, I’ve always been scared of the pill. I was on it for a month when I was 18, and I felt so thoroughly dreadful on it that it freaked me out, and I’ve never gone back (even though I’ve been told repeatedly that there are better options now, etc.). Condoms have worked fine for me my entire life so far (touch wood – no pun intended), and I think I’ll stick with them.

  2. Ben says:

    Twisty’s statement also ignores the fact that, at least for those of us who came of sexual age in the early ’90s, there’s a whole other level of paranoia. One that makes us use contraception for reasons that have little to do with pregnancy. Again, at least for those of us who are trying to be responsible, adult men.

    In a weird way her statement seems to me to be giving the patriarchy that she seeks to blame a get-out-of jail-free card. She may say “Fuck the Pill,” but I say, fuck the notion that men are “footloose and fancy-free to roam the earth pronging at will.” Oh, really? How great then, that you have such low expectations of us.

    Or to put it another way, that may be your experience of men, sweetheart, but I’m sick of getting blamed for the bad apples. Do I blame all women for Jessica Simpson?

  3. deblipp says:

    My primary objection to Twisty’s post was her statement that the Pill burdened the woman with 100% of the responsibility, leaving men free to cut & run. It’s not the Pill that did that, it’s men. And of course, the biology of pregnancy. The combination of the Pill and Roe v. Wade gave women options besides being fucked (in the not-fun way) when men inevitably decide to cut and run.

    I tried the Pill for a month when I was 19 and it was a disaster. Then 3 months when it was a “better option” and it was 3x the disaster.

    Ironically, I’m now sterile, and because I’m single, I still have to use condoms in order to practice safer sex. Safer sex changed the landscape in that way.

  4. deblipp says:

    One that makes us use contraception for reasons that have little to do with pregnancy.

    There’s a difference between contraception and disease prevention. Condoms do both, although they are considerably better at the latter.

    Again, at least for those of us who are trying to be responsible, adult men.

    While I don’t doubt that you, personally, are being responsible, let’s agree that there’s a big BIG difference between doing something to protect yourself and doing something to protect your partner. If you get AIDs or hep C or herpes it effects you. If you get a woman pregnant, it only effects you if you choose. You can bolt.

    I say, fuck the notion that men are “footloose and fancy-free to roam the earth pronging at will.??? Oh, really? How great then, that you have such low expectations of us.

    You can’t fuck that notion because (some) men will continue to be footloose and fancy-free, and all men will always retain the ability to do so. It’s nice to choose to be responsible, and we can spend a lot of time talking about changing the culture so that there is more pressure on men to be responsible, but men aren’t biologically compelled to be responsible. They CAN cut & run if they choose to. Women, even women who are total creeps and jerks, simply don’t have that option in the same situation. It is not a level playing field.

    Or to put it another way, that may be your experience of men, sweetheart, but I’m sick of getting blamed for the bad apples. Do I blame all women for Jessica Simpson?

    Get over yourself. Of course women get blamed for Jessica Simpson. Of course women are assumed to be going after the ring, or trying to entrap, or whatever. It does no good, in any political discussion, to sputter “But I’M not like that! Not me! Not me!” It furthers nothing in a discussion of racism to say “But I’m white and I’m not racist” or in a discussion of feminism to say “But I’m a man and I don’t do that.” It may be very true, and very heartfelt, but it doesn’t address the larger social issues.

  5. Ben says:

    I’d argue that women don’t get blamed for Jessica Simpson, all women are not assumed to be “going after the ring, trying to entrap, or whatever,” and I’d ask you to support those claims with evidence.

    You know what doesn’t do any good? Alienating people who are NOT your enemy with blanket statements that tell them that no matter how loudly they take a stand-in thought, word and deed-against racism or anti-feminism, it is assumed, because they are white, or a man, to be invalid.

    And I would argue that DIRECTLY adresses a larger social issue. It implies that nobody (at least, no white male) does anything for any reason other than self-interest, that our motto, then, is “every man for himself.”

    AND THAT THIS IS ONLY TO BE EXPECTED. Again, if this is all you expect of us, thanks for taking the burden of “caring about others” off my shoulders. Boy, is that a load off.

  6. deblipp says:

    I’d argue that women don’t get blamed for Jessica Simpson, all women are not assumed to be “going after the ring, trying to entrap, or whatever,??? and I’d ask you to support those claims with evidence.

    I’d say there’s tons of anecdotal evidence in the form of advice given to men, complaints by men about women, standup comedy riffs, sitcom dialogue, and so on. None of which constitutes scientific data, but neither does anything else in this conversation so far.

    You know what doesn’t do any good? Alienating people who are NOT your enemy with blanket statements that tell them that no matter how loudly they take a stand-in thought, word and deed-against racism or anti-feminism, it is assumed, because they are white, or a man, to be invalid.

    I don’t see that I’ve done that, and I don’t think you can point to anything I’ve said that evidences that. I haven’t said that anything you’ve said is invalid. I am white, and I have posted about racism, so I certainly don’t provide evidence that a white person’s statements about race are invalid. Nor do I think a man’s statements about feminism, gender politics, patriarchy, or any of that are invalid. In fact, I discuss such things with my son and ex-husband often.

    What I did say was that pointing to oneself (or anyone else) as an exception isn’t helpful to the discussion of the broader social issue. That is entirely different from saying it isn’t valid or that you aren’t entitled to speak to the broader social issue. Far from it.

    It implies that nobody (at least, no white male) does anything for any reason other than self-interest, that our motto, then, is “every man for himself.???

    Nonsense. I implied, in fact stated directly, that some men do the right thing, and that social pressure to encourage that is a good thing. But that men are more able than women to behave entirely out of self-interest in the area of contraception and unwanted pregnancy.

  7. Charlie says:

    I’d argue that women don’t get blamed for Jessica Simpson, all women are not assumed to be “going after the ring, trying to entrap, or whatever,??? and I’d ask you to support those claims with evidence.

    Just because you don’t blame all women for those things doesn’t mean that nobody else does.

    You know what doesn’t do any good? Alienating people who are NOT your enemy with blanket statements that tell them that no matter how loudly they take a stand-in thought, word and deed-against racism or anti-feminism, it is assumed, because they are white, or a man, to be invalid.

    Deb isn’t doing that. If you feel like you’re not part of the problem, that’s great. But that doesn’t mean the problem doesn’t exist.

    Deb isn’t saying that because you’re a man your point doesn’t count. If anything, she’s saying that because you’re a man, you’re automatically the beneficiary of the patriarchy. You and I, as men, will never be able to escape the benefits of living in a patriarchy as long as that patriarchy exists. That doesn’t mean it isn’t worth fighting against, or that our efforts to fight it are invalid.

  8. Twisty says:

    “Thing is, men have always, and will always, be footloose and fancy free while women shoulder the burden of pregnancy.”

    This will be true only as long as humans remain devoted to the idea.

  9. deblipp says:

    Wow, eleven months later. That’s a surprise.

    My basic argument is that men have the physical ability to be footloose and unburdened, and so some of them will be, even if they start out seeming perfectly great. People in relationships can be deceived and that will never go away. And in such a case, in a het relationship, the woman is left holding the physiological baggage.

    It’s like one of those trust exercise games, where one person falls and the other catches. It’s terribly important to increase trust, and to increase the consequences for not catching. But in heterosexual sex, it is always the woman who is at risk of falling uncaught.