In a post that is not about girliness, Shakespeare’s Sister describes why she isn’t girly:
I have a filthy mouth, a dirty sense of humor, an aesthetic lack of girliness (as in no make-up, no skirts, and perpetually untidy hair), and a collection of attributes which men and women alike deem “boyish???—namely, a fondness for Star Wars and Lord of the Rings, video game junkitude, the ability to correctly distinguish between DC and Marvel superheroes, and a pathological aversion to shopping.
I thought that was interesting. I have some of her “boy” characteristics, and some of her “girl” characteristics.
When I was younger, I thought I wasn’t girly because I’m loud, awkward, and socially agressive. I liked hanging out with the guys. I thought makeup was boring (I do wear makeup sometimes, not daily, but I find talking about makeup excruciating). Feminists talked about how men dominated conversations and silenced women in mixed groups, and I thought, uh oh, I guess I’m not very female, because that never happens to me. I prefered boisterous man-talk to retiring to the kitchen with the ladies and the babies. I forget to look in the mirror so if my lipstick goes haywire or my hair stands straight up, hours could pass before I notice. I sit large and have never managed any sort of ladylike posture. And yes, I like science fiction and Star Trek and men just cannot believe they are meeting a woman who loves James Bond.
But then some people in my life started telling me I was very girly. Very. I couldn’t understand that at first. Ultimately I could come up with a list of girl characteristics: I love to shop. I love pretty colors and pretty things and I like to wear pink. I like fairies and flowers (my tattoos are ultra-fem). My flirtation style is coy and girly. I blush. I like girl-chores better than boy-chores, and would much rather clean the kitchen than take out the garbage. I am confused by hardware and I think cars and electronics are extremely dull (Unless James Bond is operating them). Duller even than makeup.
Then, last summer, talking with some female friends, I discovered we all had, at some points, doubts about whether we were “real girls.”
I am gradually getting it through my head that I am girly because I am a girl. Womanly because I am a woman. Feminine because I am female. There doesn’t need to be any other test.
So ‘fess up. In what ways are you, and are you not, typical of your gender? What characteristics caused you to doubt yourself? What affirmed you? What’s your list?
Aw geez… I’m so confused. I don’t LIKE to shop, but I’m good at it…. I often spot clothes for my wife before she does. I do all the food shopping and all the cooking in my house. I don’t like to sit around talking about sex. I cry. I do almost all the interaction with my son’s school. I don’t balance the checkbook or keep our financial records. I would rather watch a movie than sports on TV, and my wife would rather watch sports than movies – which is why our house often has 3 TVs going… one for movies, one for sports, and one for video games. I usually do the driving around town, but when we go on long trips my wife usually drives…. not because she is a better driver, but because she has no patience for sitting in the car, and I can just read and play DJ on the CD player.
I read once that household finances are pretty much the only non-gendered household chore. It tends to split about 50/50 between husbands and wives, and people tend to be about 50/50 split about whether it’s a butch or femme sort of a job.
Typical: I like Sergio Leone and John Woo movies; I hate talking about feelings; I’m more analytical than intuitive; I hate housekeeping.
Atypical: I read a lot; I hate sports; I cry easily; I love Jane Austen; I love Jane Austen movies; I know nothing about cars; when I have a car (I don’t currently), I don’t have any ego invested in it.
I must have the remote control, I never hear the dripping faucet or the baby crying (or I never did, when we had babies), and I’m difficult to offend. I would much rather take out the trash and mow the lawn than do any indoor chores, and I know my way around a toolbox.
But I like shopping, trying on clothes, and I guess I watch girly tv shows (Buffy, Veronica Mars)
Buffy’s an interesting case, Maurinsky. It is ‘girly’ in a lot of respects (female protagonist, focus on relationships, etc.), but I don’t think of it as a ‘girly’ show. I think the fans are probably about 60-40 or 55-45–more women than men, but not by that much. There’s really a lot of cross-gender appeal to it.
(And now I wonder: is Firefly a ‘boy-y’ show? I don’t know.)
I agree, Tom. Joss does love to cross genres, and I suspect he’s a man with as many femme characteristics as I have butch characteristics.
Anyway, Buffy is femme because it has a female lead, lots of romantic angst, and lots of fashion focus, but is butch because science fiction/horror/ genre” is butch, and because it has a lot of violence and fights. So it definitely crosses over.
Firefly is perhaps more male, adding spaceships, guns, and horses. But it still has a strongly blended sensibility.
(Of course, the fact that I can discuss all this in this way is VERY male. 😉 )
i think i’m a little too tired to catalog, but this made me think of something i said to my sister on the phone just the other day. she called me up and asked me what i was doing, and i said “well, i’m eating some take-out sushi and watching sex and the city reruns. my god…i’m almost like a real female!”
i guess even us radical feminists have to have a sense of humor sometimes, right 😉
That’s very cute, kate, but watch out with that sensayumma. They can take away your feminist ID card for that! 😉
ooh, fun!
Femme things about me — I love to wear makeup, though I don’t do it all the time; I think of it as a form of dress-up. I feel most powerful when I’m decked out to the nines in super-femme drag, with a leather jacket on top. I have a passionate admiration for butch women, in a very femme way. I prefer cooking to all other household chores. The only tools I’m truly comfortable with are gardening implements. I worry too much about whether people like and/or approve of me.
Not-femme things about me — I’m take up a lot of space in practically every way I can think of; I’m both very tall and very wide, and I’m socially aggressive (but really in a kind of Big Diva way that I guess is pretty femme, now that I think about it). I HATE housework with a blinding hot passion, and can avoid seeing messes for a good deal longer than my long-suffering wife. I love meetings, at least those that are productive.
Qira, that’s a very interesting set of characteristics. I totally relate to the makeup-as-dressup, and I adore butch women. I think I can smell the testosterone on them.
Is anything really gender-typical? I don’t think so. I’m neat and organized, but I don’t enjoy housework and can barely balance my checkbook. I only like cooking because I don’t have to do it every day. I look nice, but I don’t wear makeup regularly, almost always wear flip-flops despite my terribly un-pedicured toes, and my cropped hair is as low-maintenance as it can get short of shaving it all off. I love shopping, don’t know how to fix a thing, and just don’t get sports, but I like video games and Sex and the City, and can happily travel the world alone with my fabulous Diane Von Furstenberg bag. Would you say I’m a typical girl? I’d say I’m a real woman, not a caricature of one. This was a great entry, Deb. Thanks.